Dear Reader,
Brace yourself for a tale of modern extravagance, where our insatiable appetite for convenience rivals only our carelessness in discarding its remnants. The empire of plastic, once hailed as the crown jewel of industry, now leaves a legacy far grimmer than even the juiciest scandal I could whisper about the ton.
The Unseemly Pile-Up of 57 Million Tons — Oh, How Positively Elegant
If ever there were a contest for poor taste, dearest reader, humanity has surely won it. Every year, we grace the planet with a staggering 57 million tons of plastic pollution – according to the esteemed folks at the University of Leeds. That’s right, imagine piling all that rubbish high enough to fill New York’s Central Park up to the tip of the Empire State Building. A lovely thought, isn’t it? A visual that will undoubtedly have us clutching our pearls, if not gasping for air—since those microplastics are also devilishly making their way into our lungs, food, and, wait for it... bloodstreams. Positively delightful! Gone will be the days of Blue Bloods and Mudbloods – greet the race of the Plastic Bloods!
This isn’t just any common affair, mind you. The Global South, ever the underappreciated belle of the ball, bears the brunt of this disaster. India, with its generous contribution of over 10 million tons, leads this dire procession. Yet, somehow the Global North continues to strut about, batting not a lash while its own plastic waste conveniently disappears into the oceans and the hands of other nations. How terribly convenient for them! But let’s not heap all the blame upon our dear friends across the seas—after all, we all have a role to play in this particularly glamorous apocalypse.
But Fear Not, We Have Plans... Sort Of
Ah yes, plans. What scandal could ever be complete without a dash of empty promises? Now, darling, imagine the powers that be fluttering about, making grand declarations. As the UN merrily agrees to negotiate a global treaty on plastic waste, one can’t help but imagine the hilarity of it all. In a world where 1.2 billion people still lack access to basic waste collection, surely the noble intention to “manage waste better” will be solved, will it not? Never mind the fact that over two-thirds of this monstrous pollution stems from uncollected waste.
Oh, but of course, the real saviour is better AI models, ensuring we can calculate exactly how much more plastic we’ll drown in each year. What a joy! One can picture it now, the scientists patting themselves on the back as plastic piles grow ever higher.
A Glittering Future Awaits
And what, pray tell, is in store for us? Well, if today’s 57 million tons don’t make you swoon, just wait. The United Nations informs us that plastic production is set to triple by 2050. More plastic! In the oceans! The mountains! Why, even atop Everest and the Alps—how very chic! Just imagine future generations trying to outdo us as they inherit a planet where breathing in plastic particles will be as common as attending a ball.
But let’s be fair, this isn’t a tragedy for everyone. The plastic industry continues to thrive—no expense spared! No caps on production, because why should we? After all, how would we fashion all those delightful single-use products and the charming plastic packaging they are delivered in to our greedy little hands? The kind we casually toss away like yesterday’s gossip, only to find them creeping back into our lives in the most intimate of ways. Ah, what a time to be alive!
So, my dear reader, do carry on. As we dance on the precipice of our glittering plastic kingdom, remember—it’s not the scandal we deserve, but it’s certainly the one we’ve created.
Yours in scanda
l and suffocation,
Lady Wombat
Why not show the kid's version in the Wombat Junior <here>!
